Today, my heart broke twice.
My toddler fell from our bed. He fell, and it was my fault. Probably. I was sitting there, unaware of how fast he moves. I wan’t thinking straight, and in that moment, I wasn’t thinking about him. That’s what breaks my heart and what will probably haunt me for a while, even though he’s perfectly fine.
The reason I wasn’t thinking about him wasn’t the fact that I have an exam in two days. Or that I’ve spent a miserably small amount of time sleeping these days, because I had to study. It wasn’t because the house is a mess, either.
I wasn’t thinking about him because I had my heart broken already, not more than 5 minutes before he fell.
My friend, my best friend, my “best man” – best woman that we chose for our wedding day, told me that our friendship is over.
It wasn’t anything in particular that I had done to cause this. Yes, we’ve been talking on the phone less. We’ve been seing each other less. I love her, though, I truly do. She was the person I’d text whenever anything meaningful would ever happen. One of the very few people I could truly count on. One of probably, like, 10 people I’d have in mind whenever we were inviting friends over for something “big”. The one who knew my secrets, who I could call to just talk for hours. The one who gave me a chocolate bar when I passed out in the Organic Chemistry lab – that’s how we met, after all. A person with a big, kind heart who earned my trust over the years.
Today, she told me that she wants “out”. Out of the friendship. Out of the fact that our families have merged in a way. Out, because we’ve become a burden to her.
She told me she feels judged by me, even though I never judged her for anything.
She told me we’re going in different directions with our lives, even though wherever my life was pointing, I’d always look back at her, and involve her.
She told me she thinks nothing connects us anymore, even with my heart full of love, understanding and support for her.
She told me I took her for granted. She told me I don’t love her and that I never really, truly loved her. She told me she wasn’t happy in our friendship.
This all sounds very sudden, but I know it’s not. I understand this has been building up since I first told her I was pregnant.
From that moment on, no matter what I did, my life became very different and very foreign to her. She could not relate to me as a mom, as a wife, regardless of how much I insisted on us talking about anything else when we see each other. Anything but my kid and my husband, so I wouldn’t make her feel different.
But she is different. And she’s right.
Sometimes, for people, love isn’t enough to keep the relationship stitched together. Sometimes, the relationship benefits on other things. Money. Social status. Two people being in the same stage of life.
The first two I understand. The third, the one that’s caused our relationship to break, is what I cannot explain to myself.
Why is it so important for people to find a friend who will follow in their footsteps forever? To make them feel secure? Like they’re not missing out? Falling behind?
I don’t know.
My heart aches in disbelief, and I… just… don’t know.