I wonder if there are actual groups where I could introduce myself like this. During these past couple of days, I’ve realized I am one. Is it a bad thing? I’m not sure. It’s more like a normal thing nowadays.
Nevertheless, the realization still itches me uncomfortably.
Long story short, we’ve been in the countryside for two days and we’ve been trying to set up Internet so we can both work.
Since we haven’t had a lot of time to plan things out, we just bought a wi-fi antenna so we could use our phone internet on the laptop and PC. That would have worked out perfectly. Except for the fact that we are both very low on MB’s.
This morning, I ran out. I’ve been feeling like a complete junkey ever since.
Here’s an incomplete list of things I’ve tried to do:
– Browse Pinterest
– Scroll through Twitter
– Make an Instagram post
– Go to Twitter again to try to post
– Write an article in Word (I was actually successful at that, since – hey – I don’t need Internet!)
– Publish the article in WordPress (*insert your favorite sad cartoon noise*)
– Make a pin in Canva (to my surprise, you have to be online for that, too)
– Check my texts (no Internet needed, but no one contacts me there anyway)
– Go on Discord to say hi to people (*sad cartoon noise again*)
– Take some photos of me and Viktor playing in our new living room
– Publish the photos (how many times do I need to try to do that in order to finally learn?)
– Play DotA Underlords on phone (I knew it wouldn’t work, I just wanted to see that offline screen to make it clear for myself)
– Check my university e-mail (I only did it so I could pretend there was nothing new on there)
– Check my FB page
– Go on Twitter. Again..
At this point, I realized I don’t have a problem or a disease. I have a condition.
Let’s call it The 2020 Condition.
It’s a state of mind.
It’s a personal, professional and social connection to the Internet we all feel. We’ve become wired this way. Every one of our social or business decision nowadays inevitably involves Internet.
I’m the same way, I suppose.
Oh, and by the way, before you judge me (which is something you can only do if you’re not at all like me), remember: this is my version of AA meeting. A confession. A conversation about the underlying issues we all have.
I’m not concerned with the amount of time I spend on social media: afterall, my ultimate goal is to rule the Digital Earth and be in everyone’s face. Whose isn’t?
I don’t worry about my dedication to work, either. If anything, I worry that I’m not doing enough.
I’m worried about the state of mind I fall into when I can’t do my job or can’t socialize the way I used to. The „I need Internet for all of that“ state of mind.
I feel a lot more tired. I’m even tempted to take naps.
I feel slightly depressed. I worry that, if I don’t find a way to do the work, someone else will do what I can’t do.
I have this nasty feeling of stupidity. Like my whole knowledge is somewhere out there, anything I want to learn about, find out, watch or get entertained by. Like not everything is in my head, due to the amount of notes and tasks I store online (hello, Trello!).
I think I miss checking Trello most of all. Every day, I make a list of things I’m supposed to do and I get excited every time I get something done.
I treat my life like a video game full of quests. Main storyline and a lot of side quests.
Now, I’m stuck not being able to see what the quests are. I’m wandering around, looking for signs on where I left off and what I need to do.
How do people even live their everyday lives without making endless lists? It baffles me.
I miss the feeling of being caught up with the blog stuff, as well. Messages being replied to. Pins being made. Tweets being sent out. Luckily, I still have SocialOomph – my sanity-saver, that has my tweets scheduled, up and running. (Yes, that’s why it looks like I’m always everywhere. Enjoy that.)
Hopefully, tomorrow we’ll have the „regular“ Internet connection set up. If the country doesn’t declare emergency state in which everything will shut down. Then I’ll be left with nothing and I’ll probably go insane.
I may be a stay-at-home mom, but I work hard, even from home. I’m dedicated, determined and obsessed with succeeding. The state in which I exist right now disturbs me.
I’ve realized I am still as committed to my child as I was before. I still have „free time“, which was supposed to be work time.
I type in Word, so it kind of is work time. I make it feel that way, although I know blogs happen online, not on my hard drive.
This needs to get resolved soon, so I can go back to being my obsessive self.
*Posting this article was the courtesy of my husband Filip, who hasn’t spent his phone internet*