As a happily married woman, I’ve never expected I would one day write a post like this. Yet, past has a way of sneaking into my blissful, toddler-filled world from time to time, leaving me wondering: “Couldn’t have I been less… messy?”
Even if it’s not the love of your life we’re talking about (in my case, it most certainly wasn’t), breaking up in a terrible way can leave a sour taste in your mouth in the years to follow. Instead of summing up why you shouldn’t have chaotic breakups in the first place (in short: they will become the ghosts of your past!), let’s assume we’ve all done this at some point. How are you supposed to accept your own immaturity, the fact that you’ve hurt someone, that you lacked the skills to talk things through, and eventually – forgive yourself?
Accept your humanity.
As straightforward as it sounds, this is sometimes easier said than done. Nobody likes to be the bad guy (or girl) in someone else’s love story. Sometimes, though, we simply need to accept the role of a villain and vow to never star in a similar movie again.
Realize it’s most likely not completely your fault.
Unless it is, of course, but that’s rarely ever the case.
No matter how irresponsibly you handled that breakup, you dated a human, too, capable of making mistakes. No matter how perfect and innocent they seem in comparison to your terrible way of handling things, you probably wouldn’t have broken up if they were that amazing. Both of you have made some mistakes and bad choices.
It’s never to late to discuss it.
Again – in most cases.
If you’re haunted by your text-breakup, infidelity, drunk scene, or anything that may have caused your relationship to crumble into pieces, it’s okay to talk about it and clear the air. The world is too small for people to be unkind to each other without ever resolving conflicts.
Sometimes, even a text or a voice message can go a long way. Saying “I’m sorry for the way we ended things” doesn’t mean you want to get back together, but it’s a nice way of letting your ex know you’ve matured since your breakup. He or she is probably a person who still knows a lot about you – those people are great friends even after a turbulent past.
Sometimes, things get broken to the point of no return. If you’d rather drink a full bottle of extra-hot sauce than apologize to your ex, or there’s no easy way to get closure, it’s probably best to try to let go. Worrying about the past is a rather exhausting way to spend your day (or more).
If it’s still possible to contact your ex, but you can’t bring yourself to do it in any visible scenario, it probably means it’s not that important anyway. Yes, it’s uncomfortable to dwell on the past from time to time and feel like a hot garbage, but if that’s still the price you’re willing to pay, then that’s what you gotta do.
What helps with letting go, more than anything in my experience, is finding a distraction. It doesn’t matter if it’s a new crush, hobby or shoes you’ve been wanting to get. Your soul is destined to repair itself in some other ways – the sooner you accept it, the better!
I hope my tips have been helpful. Unfortunately, they’ve been written from heart – I’ve gone through a horrendous breakup myself, and it was only because I was too immature to admit the truth. I was so afraid of what others thought of me that I pushed myself into an eating disorder that I was hiding from everyone else, including my ex-boyfriend. In the end, my lies had destroyed me, and I ended my relationship abruptly, never giving a proper explanation or closure to my ex. There are some worse things you can do to a human being, but not many of them.
I’ve finally come to terms with my own mistakes and compiled them in my new book, From Bottle To Bottle: How I Broke Bad Habits, Changed My Lifestyle And Taught A Toddler To Eat Everything. You can get a free chapter here: